


No Matter What

by evansrogerskitten



Category: Bucky Barnes - Fandom, Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: AlliesChallenge, Angst, Anxiety, Bipolar II, F/M, Fluff, Implied Smut, Kissing, Mania, Marvel - Freeform, PTSD, Panic, TLC, difficulty sleeping, mental health, mental health symptoms, mention of medications, soft bipolar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-23
Updated: 2017-01-23
Packaged: 2018-09-19 09:08:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9431972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evansrogerskitten/pseuds/evansrogerskitten
Summary: The new Captain America Bucky Barnes loves his girl and provides all the TLC she needs, even when he’s on missions. Reader faces her own daily battles as a survivor of Bipolar II Disorder and misses her boyfriends when he’s gone.





	

 “Hey doll! Hope you’re having a good morning. It’s evening here.” My boyfriend Bucky smiled on the screen in front of me. “I’m ready to just find these rogue agents, and get home to you. I hope you’re doing good. I miss you.” With a wink Bucky’s face paused and the video ended.

Infinity War was finally over and the universe put somewhat back in place. The Avengers faced their challenges and overcame Thanos. For Bucky Barnes, change brought a shift in responsibilities as he accepted the mantle from Steve Rogers and became the new Captain America.

His scarred memory had finally been healed after a year of cryogenics. The PTSD triggers were trained out of him in Wakanda once he woke. With the right technology, a lot of patience, and a reset mind, Bucky had a new calm and steady hand (metal and otherwise) that allowed him to take up the shield and lead the New Avengers.

I was proud of him, but I missed him so much when he was gone especially when we could only send messages back and forth.

We’d met at Stark Tower one day when I was training as an agent. It was a whirlwind romance. Within a week we were official, and six weeks later he was moving in. He always told me that he’d fallen for me the first minute we met. I responded that I loved him before I knew him.

I didn’t tell Bucky anything about my bipolar until we’d been together a month. Late one night we were lying in bed and he opened up about his PTSD- the nightmares, flashbacks, the few details he could still remember now that Hydra was purged from his mind. With the fireplace smoldering and his metal arm slung across my hip, we confided in each other about the pain and strength of conquering our mental illnesses. Bucky was smart, he’d practically read every book in Stark’s library. And after surviving and living with his own demons, he easily understood what I faced.

I explained the differences between types of bipolar disorder. My Bipolar II meant I struggled with depression more often than mania, and rock bottom was always a slippery slope nearby. Bucky was kind and sweet, rubbing my back when my voice caught in my throat. I’d lived with my disease for five years, yet it was still difficult to admit to. I was vulnerable about it, even after the relief of finding out what tormented me since childhood was the manageable darkness of bipolar.

But Bucky just let me talk, swiping a tear away with his flesh hand, and showering me with kisses when I stop talking. 

“I love you. No matter what’s wrong or right with you,” he reassured me.  “You’re my girl and I know how this feels. I’m not going anywhere, no matter what.”

I trusted him completely. 

So we made it work. I struggled with Bucky being gone so often, but we talked via webcam or messages when he could.

Late one night he saw that I was online. Thankfully the tone starting ringing on my laptop, and Bucky’s face appeared. 

I accepted the call with a gleeful “Hi Buck!”

“Hey babe! Why are you still awake? Isn’t it 3AM there?!”

“Yeah, I just can’t sleep without you.” My terrible sleep patterns were one issue that my psychologist, psychiatrist, and counselor could never fix. It took a low dose of an antipsychotic and melatonin to knock me out and keep me asleep. And if I stayed up past 1AM, I resigned myself to hours of energy until I passed out. When Bucky was home, I went to bed with him at a reasonable hour. But sometimes when he was gone, I found my tiny niche of mania again. 

“It’s tough for me too, doll. I just want you to be asleep in my arms.” Bucky’s eyebrows furrowed as he looked at me through the digital window. He knew more than anyone if something was off with me. 

“How’s everything going there?” We never talked about missions online, but I needed to know he was safe. As long as he assured me the team was safe, and I could see him whole, I didn’t worry constantly.

“We’re all good. I’m looking forward to some time off. I was thinking it’d be nice if we took a trip when I got back. A couple days at the beach?” 

I grinned and clasped my hands to my heart. “Bucky, that sounds so awesome!” 

“Ok good. Well we’re moving on, I should go. I might not be able to call you until we’re on our way home in a couple days.”

I pouted a little, sad to only have a couple minutes with him. “Okay. I love you so much Bucky.” I blew a kiss towards the screen. 

“Babe, I love you more than you know.” He gave me a small little wave, and the call ended with his smile on the screen.

 

I didn’t hear from Bucky for days. By the 48th hour I was pacing my office, and then pacing our apartment, obsessive thoughts swirling. I called my therapist, talked to my sister, took my meds regularly; I was doing good. I just wanted Bucky by my side.

I leaped across my room when I heard the ringtone alert me of a new message. 

“Yay!!!!” I called out to the empty room. I started laughing as soon as I saw him. [“You Are The Best Thing” by Ray Lamotagne](https://open.spotify.com/track/1jyddn36UN4tVsJGtaJfem) played from the radio in the truck cab he sat in.

“Baby! This song reminds me of us! If you were here we’d dance, so this is a rain check when I see you soon.” He leaned towards the screen to send me a kiss and the video ended.

I sighed, missing him even more. But I felt better. I headed to the Macy’s around the corner from Stark Tower. Deciding to spoil myself, I bought a beautiful blue A-line dress reminiscent of the style of the 40’s. The dress made me feel pretty, which I knew I deserved. I probably didn’t need the high heels, designer bag, and Cashmere sweater to go with it, but I felt fancy and extravagant. And I’d just ignore that I already had a balance on my credit card. If it made me feel better, I’d justify it. 

As I was walking into the apartment, I dropped the shopping bags in the corner and slipped off my coat. I squealed with delight when the video chat rang on my phone. I grinned when I saw Bucky’s face.

“Hi baby! We finally got wifi!”

“Yay! I miss you so much! And look what I bought!” I shuffled the shopping bags around until I found the blue suede heels. “These go with something a little sexier that I’ll be welcoming you in.” I gave him a lopsided wink and giggled.

Bucky laughed loudly. “Those are pretty! I’m sure they’re gorgeous on you. Did they cost a lot?”

“It was…more than I planned to spend. But they made me feel better! And the dress is so pretty. You’ll love it when you see it.” 

“I’m sure I will, doll. Anything you’ve got on- and I get to take off- it’s going to be gorgeous.”

“I should be home tomorrow.” Bucky said, turning to look over his shoulder. I could hear voices as the gang of superheroes entered the room behind him. “The team says Hi.”

Bucky scrolled the camera over to the side to show me his teammates and friends. They all waved and called hellos through the camera. Sam lumbered over to the camera and looked into the lense. 

“Hey girl, how you doin’? 

“Hey Sam! How’s...wherever you guys are?” 

“We’re kicking ass. As usual. Your boy misses you though. He won’t stop talking about you, it’s so annoying.” Sam rolled his eyes.

I laughed, “Well I think it’s a good thing.”

“Not if you have to listen to it all the time.” Sam replied. “He loves you though. Take care!” 

Bucky nodded enthusiastically behind Sam, walking up to the camera as Sam left.

“I do love you, he's right about that at least.” Bucky’s face reappeared in the lense. “Are you sleeping better?” 

“Yeah, I’m fine.” I replied. I didn’t want to talk about if he was worried or not. I was doing fine. Sometimes I felt defensive every time someone asked me how I was feeling, if I was sick, was I taking my meds- like I was some psycho ax murderer rather than a girl that got shitty genetics.

“Well babe...if you’re a good girl, you can have whatever you want when I get home…” Bucky suggested. Even through FaceTime he was incredibly sexy.

I giggled, his teasing reviving my good mood. “See you tomorrow?” 

“Yes you will. I can’t wait. I’ll text you when we get to the Quinjet.” 

I blew him a kiss. “Bye! See you soon!” 

Bucky smiled and then the call ended.

The anticipation of Bucky’s return the next day was exciting. The day seemed to last forever, and I kept looking at my phone every 30 seconds to see if he’d called. Finally at 5:00 PM, I decided rather than freaking out or getting annoyed, to just go home and get ready for his return.

My heart leapt when I pushed open my front door and heard music. For a second I tensed up, prepared if it was someone dangerous- professional casualty and all. But as I walked through the dim entryway, I gasped.

Dozens of pink roses sat in crystal vases on every surface in the living room and kitchen. [“You Are The Best Thing”](https://open.spotify.com/track/1jyddn36UN4tVsJGtaJfem) played from the AppleTV and candles lit up our dining room table. Something delicious was cooking in the kitchen, and I could see the bakery box of my favorite chocolate chip cookies sitting on the counter.

“Babe.” I breathed as Bucky slinked towards me. I took all of him in- black sweatpants, gray t-shirt, freshly washed wavy hair.

He reached out for me, pulling me into his arms. We both sighed as I relaxed, not speaking for a minute as we just held onto each other, our world put back together. Bucky nuzzled his nose into my hair, breathing in as I listened to his heartbeat strumming against my ear.

Bucky tilted my chin up, looking into my eyes. We swayed back and forth to the music, just looking at each other. I memorized him again, the little freckles on his face, the aqua of his eyes, the smell of his damp chestnut locks. His metal arm tightened around me as his lips gently met mine, my head tilting back as he kissed me deeper.

“I missed you so much, Bucky.” I whispered against his lips, his forehead resting on mine.

“I missed you too. Glad to be home with my girl.” Bucky’s lopsided smile sent a shiver down my shoulders and arms.

“I need to put on my new dress for you.” I said softly, as Bucky pulled one of my hands into his and started to slowly dance us around the living room. 

“Plenty of time for that, doll. Right now, I just need you here.”  

I giggled as he swung me around, safe in his arms, back together no matter what. 

**Author's Note:**

> Property of evansrogerskitten.
> 
> ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. These works contain material protected under International and Federal Copyright Laws and Treaties. Any unauthorized reprint or use of this material is prohibited. No part of these works may be reproduced in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system without express written permission from the author / publisher. An electronic reference link to the original posted work may be provided for purposes of promotion or assistance of publication by the readers discretion, if proper credits are given to the author in the re-post.


End file.
